Emotional manipulation pdf
Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and media contributor on emotional health and relationships. She specializes in helping people uncover their inherent worth and learn to accept themselves -- imperfections and all! Sharon is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance, and several ebooks including: Setting Boundaries Without Guilt: A Workbook to Move You From Doormat to Empowerment, Navigating the Codependency Maze, and she writes a popular blog called Happily Imperfect for PsychCentral.com. Have others minimized, shamed, or invalidated your feelings?. I'm glad I stumbled upon this article. I enjoyed reading it. I have recently left a relationship where I was invalidated all the time and I paid the price because of it. In the beginning it was just small things that I said that were always followed by a disagreement. I don't care if people disagree with me, we all have different thoughts and opinions. But the consistency built up to where it was for everything I said. Eventually each time I attempted to express my feelings she would get defensive and not acknowledge my feelings at all. The first time I expressed to her that sometimes her sarcasm at my expense was hurtful and You shouldn't be angry (or any other feeling). Are you ready to learn how to set boundaries without guilt?. I will give myself compassion in the face of difficult emotions. I will listen to my feelings and use them as a guide to help me take better care of myself. CEN TEEN emotional neglect TEENhood trauma codependency control difficult parent dysfunctional family dysfunctional parent emotional intelligence emotional invalidation emotionally numb empathy gaslighting immature parent invalidation narcissistic abuse toxic parent. I wrote the following affirmation to help you validate your own feelings. I will be curious about them and seek to understand them better, rather than judging them or pushing them away. ⟵ 10 Ways to Free Yourself from Toxic Parents. The most common forms of invalidation include blaming, judging, denying, and minimizing your feelings or experiences. Invalidation isn't just disagreeing, it says: I don't care about your feelings. Your feelings don't matter. Your feelings are wrong. Hi Laura, I recently had a friend I've known for several years completely turn on me because I did not give her my complete attention, and validate her point of view in a way that she deemed appropriately validating. She came completely unglued! I was not allowed to have a different experience or opinion. Did I mention she chose her moment to confront me (twice) in the middle of a Christmas party I was hosting to unleash that I had deeply offended her. Up to now we had enjoyed a very close and affirming relationship. I have been supportive of her. So why she did not communicate to me about being offended (apparently 2 day before the party) privately and immediately so we could understand and heal our conflict? I cannot fathom. So, I think it's essential to choose your moment well. Take stock of your 'beef'- has your loved one historically been supportive? Validating? Empathetic and caring? Then give that person the benefit of the doubt. Ask questions. Don't make assumptions. Your loved ones deserve a fair opportunity to 'hear' your concern, and to be 'heard' when there is a supportive time and space for having a serious conversation. Your future relationship may depend on it. This now, former friend, seized her opportunity to confront me based on assumptions she made but she did not check in with me about her concerns. She did and does not take responsibility for everything that followed: her lack of communicating that she'd been offended, her confrontational, hostile and punishing behavior during a 6 hour Christmas party. Her continued irrational behavior at gatherings where she either summarily ignores me or is "perfectly appropriate" when others are watching. The whole experience has left me feeling traumatized. I doubt we can come back from this and be friends. I don't trust her anymore. I sometimes think people who are mentally fragile take advise and create justifications but not self responsibility for very bad/unwell behavior. It's so sad because everyone looses. I even called her months later, to see how. Is it a good use of your time and energy to help them understand your feelings?. Other times, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences. A pattern of invalidation is a form of emotional abuse or gaslighting. it's a denial of you or your experience. It implies that you're wrong, overreacting, or lying. Abusers do this to turn things around and blame the victim and deny or minimize their abusive words or actions. Sometimes, it's not worth trying to get a stranger or even an acquaintance to understand your feelings. Generally, the closer the relationship you have with someone, the more important it is for them to understand your feelings. However, you have to be realistic about other people's capabilities to do so. If this person repeatedly invalidates your feelings and isn't interested or motivated to change, you need to take steps to distance yourself and take care of your own feelings. You may want to calmly and without blame state that you feel invalidated. This acknowledges that you've been hurt and gives the other person the opportunity to make it right. I can choose not to spend time with people who continue to invalidate my experiences and feelings. I will choose to surround myself with people who support my healing and growth, who push me to be a better person, and who leave me feeling better about myself -- not worse. The key, again, is not to get drawn into a debate about who is right or wrong, but to set a boundary that states how you want to be treated and to leave the situation if your needs aren't respected. It's important to form relationships with people who love and respect you, who care about your feelings and want to understand who you are and how you feel. I respect and honor myself when I pay attention to and accept my feelings. Before deciding how to respond to invalidation, ask yourself a few questions to clarify your goals and options:. I will validate my feelings by making them a priority. I will give them time and space to exist. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. 2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. This article was originally published on PsychCentral.com. Photos courtesy of Unsplash.com. Recognition of the unique needs of students aged 10-15 began with the advent of the "middle school movement" and continues today (Association for Middle Level Education, 2010). Current best practice guidelines for education at the middle-school level recognize the diverse developmental needs of this age group and the importance of promoting both academic and personal development, including social and emotional competence. The importance of SEL for high school is also growing in light of its link to college and career readiness and dropout prevention. The five CASEL competencies reflect intrapersonal and interpersonal domains (National Research Council, 2012). Self-awareness and self-management are consistent with the intrapersonal domain whereas social awareness and relationship skills represent dimensions within the interpersonal domain. Responsible decision-making is both an individual and social process and therefore overlaps both domains. Fewer negative behaviors: decreased disruptive class behavior, noncompliance, aggression, delinquent acts, and disciplinary referrals. We are grateful to 1440 Foundation, the Einhorn Family Charitable Trust, and NoVo Foundation for their generous support of this effort. We also thank the many SEL program developers and researchers who have generously and graciously shared their evaluation reports, curriculum materials, and professional learning strategies during our extensive review process. And we express our sincere appreciation to the CASEL board of directors and the team of colleagues at CASEL and the University of Illinois at Chicago Social and Emotional Learning Research Group who produced this guide. CASEL updated its review of evidence-based programs when it released the 2013 CASEL Guide: Effective Social and Emotional Learning Programs—Preschool and Elementary School Edition. The 2013 Guide was more developmentally oriented than Safe and Sound in focusing on the preschool and elementary grades. It also reflected several advances in the field of SEL. These included a growing evidence base of effective interventions in early TEENhood; the development of new approaches to fostering academic, social, and emotional learning; and increased interest in going beyond classroom-based implementation of a single SEL program to coordinated, systemic schoolwide and districtwide SEL programming. This 2015 Guide is a companion to the 2013 Guide. It provides information similar to Research on SEL implementation suggests that the most effective strategies include four elements represented by the acronym SAFE: (1) Sequenced—connected and coordinated activities to foster skills development; (2) Active—active forms of learning to help students master new skills; (3) Focused—containing a component that emphasizes developing personal and social skills; and (4) Explicit—targeting specific social and emotional skills (Durlak et al., 2010, 2011). Social Awareness: The ability to take the perspective of and empathize with others from diverse backgrounds and cultures, to understand social and ethical norms for behavior, and to recognize family, school, and community resources and supports. The knowledge, skills, and attitudes within the CASEL five competency clusters are especially critical during adolescence because youth at this stage are going through rapid physical, emotional, and cognitive changes. These changes create unique opportunities for personal and social skill development. Adolescents also engage in more risky behavior than younger students and face a variety of challenging situations, including increased independence, peer pressure, and exposure to social media. Longitudinal studies have shown that increased social and emotional competence is related to reductions in a variety of problem behaviors including aggression, delinquency, substance use, and dropout. Better academic performance: achievement scores an average of 11 percentile points higher than students who did not receive SEL instruction. As shown in Figure 1 of the Outcomes Associated with SEL Programming section, schools can help students develop personal and social competence through several types of approaches. These include (1) infusing SEL in teaching practices to create a learning environment supportive of SEL, (2) infusing SEL instruction into an academic curriculum, (3) creating policies and organizational structures that support students' social and emotional development, and (4) directly teaching SEL skills in free-standing lessons. These approaches are not mutually exclusive. At the middle and high school level SEL programming can happen in the context of regular curriculum and instruction activities, but it can also take place through activities such as health promotion and character education, or through prevention efforts such as those that target violence, substance use, or dropout. Depending on the nature of the approach, SEL programs can lead to three types of program outcomes: (1) promoting knowledge or skills related to the five competency clusters, (2) creating positive learning environments that are safe, caring, engaging, and participatory, and (3) improving student attitudes and beliefs about self, others, and school. Changes in these individual and contextual factors promote improvements in positive social behaviors and peer relationships, reductions in conduct problems, reductions in emotional distress, and improvements in academic performance (Durlak et al., 2011; Durlak et al., 2015; Flemming et al., 2005; Greenberg et al., 2003; Zins et al., 2004). Research supports this conceptual model and that SEL can have a positive impact on school climate and promote a host of academic, social, and emotional benefits for students. Durlak, Weissberg et al.'s meta-analysis of 213 rigorous studies of SEL in schools demonstrated that students receiving quality SEL instruction had: SEL programming is based on the understanding that the best learning emerges in the context of supportive relationships that make learning challenging, engaging and meaningful. Effective SEL programming begins in preschool and continues through high school. Self-Awareness: The ability to accurately recognize one's emotions and thoughts and their influence on behavior. This includes accurately assessing one's strengths and limitations and possessing a well-grounded sense of confidence and optimism. CASEL has identified five interrelated sets of cognitive, affective, and behavioral competencies. The definitions of the five competency clusters for students are: The quality of the relationships students have with teachers and peers, the clarity and consistency of school rules, and the physical safety of the school are important dimensions of school climate. Students who perceive a positive climate in their school demonstrate higher levels of social competence and report fewer personal problems. Positive school climate in middle and high school is associated with academic achievement, decreased absenteeism, and lower rates of suspension (Thapa et al., 2013). Leadership practices and organizational structures also influence the climate of a school, thereby indirectly influencing student outcomes. In schools characterized by supportive relationships, common goals and norms, and a sense of collaboration, students perform better academically and have fewer behavior problems (Bryk & Schneider, 2002; Payne et al., 2003). Finally, it is important to recognize that students' social and emotional development is influenced by the interactions they have outside of school with family and community members. Learning experiences in school can be facilitated or undermined by the nature of the partnerships that schools develop with these important individuals. Social and emotional competence provides a foundation for academic success (Zins et al., 2004). Although research suggests that course completion and grades in middle school are the strongest predictors of high school performance and graduation (Farrington et al., 2012), there is increasing evidence that social and emotional competence is also critically important. Interventions that promote SEL promote academic performance (Durlak et al., 2011). Several recent publications on college and career readiness, deeper learning, and 21st-century skills cite personal and social competencies, often called "noncognitive skills," as fundamental to students' level of engagement in middle and high school, their post-secondary performance and completion, and their workplace success (ACT, 2014; National Research Council, 2012). Social and emotional learning (SEL) is the process through which TEENren and adults acquire and effectively apply the knowledge, attitudes, and skills necessary to understand and manage emotions, set and achieve positive goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain positive relationships, and make responsible decisions. Social and emotional skills are critical to being a good student, citizen, and worker, and many risky behaviors (e.g., drug use, violence, bullying and dropping out) can be prevented or reduced when multiyear, integrated efforts are used to develop students' social and emotional skills. This is best done through effective classroom instruction, student engagement in positive activities in and out of the classroom, and broad parent and community involvement in program planning, implementation, and evaluation. Middle schools and high schools can be viewed as systems with multiple levels that influence students' social and emotional development (Eccles & Roeser, 2011; Roeser, Eccles, & Sameroff, 2000). This is reflected in the concentric circles surrounding the competency domains. At the classroom level the quality of teacher-student interactions is one of the most important predictors of student academic performance and adjustment (Hamre & Pianta, 2007; Mashburn & Pianta, 2006). Students who report feeling listened to by teachers, involved in decisions that affect their lives, provided with opportunities to exert autonomy, and accepted by peers are more motivated and perform better in school than those who lack these positive experiences. Interpersonal and organizational factors at the school level also influence students' academic performance and adjustment, in part through their effect on school climate (National School Climate Council, 2007). CASEL shared its first review of SEL programs in 2003 with the publication of Safe and Sound: An Educational Leader's Guide to Evidence-Based Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) Programs (CASEL, 2003). In addition to demonstrating how SEL programs contribute to the mission of our nation's schools, the publication summarized the status of outcome research on SEL programs and provided educators with practical information on the features of different programs that could help them select a program both relevant and suited to their particular needs. Safe and Sound presented information on 80 different programs and was the most comprehensive research and practical survey of SEL programs available at the time. Adopting an evidence-based SEL program is not enough to ensure positive outcomes. The success of a program depends on high-quality implementation. Poor program implementation can undermine a program's success and its impact on student outcomes. Initial training is an important strategy associated with high levels of implementation, but research has also demonstrated that ongoing support beyond an initial training (e.g., coaching, follow-up training) enhances both the quality of teaching and student performance. Schoolwide factors also influence the implementation of evidence-based programs. When schools support high-quality program implementation, the impact of evidence-based programs is strengthened (Durlak et al., 2011). Research suggests that administrators support the effective implementation of SEL programs by setting high expectations and allocating resources for programming. School leaders who model the use of SEL language and practices and endorse the use of SEL practices throughout the school building create a climate in the building that supports SEL. Programs that include free-standing SEL lessons are often based on the assumption that improvements in knowledge and skills promote positive behavior changes. Programs that focus primarily on changing some aspect of the classroom or school learning environment to improve student outcomes may be more likely to cultivate attitudes rather than skills. Unfortunately, few studies measure all of these factors, and very few have gathered empirical evidence to determine how their impacts were achieved. For this reason, Figure 1 (below) includes arrows linking all of the approaches to all three of the program targets and the student outcomes. Reduced emotional distress: fewer reports of student depression, anxiety, stress, and social withdrawal. Self-Management: The ability to regulate one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors effectively in different situations. This includes managing stress, controlling impulses, motivating oneself, and setting and working toward achieving personal and academic goals.